I love my kids. I love my husband. With all my heart. HOWEVER, at this moment, I want them to all GO AWAY.
First, I just Febrezed my husband’s shorts and the couch he was polluting with his ass. While he was laying on said couch in said shorts. I say, I am getting the odor at its source. He complains it’s cold. Whiner.
Second, my 6YO’s meds are off. We are in the process of finding the right dosage level, and I am supposed to be patient while we are doing this. Patience is not one of my strong suits. I am pretty sure the pharmacist at Rite Aid is a sick sadist and gave us placebo sugar pills instead of ADHD medication, because this kid is off the charts lately. He hasn’t held still or stopped making noise since he woke up this morning. It’s like the Energizer Bunny on steroids. As a disclaimer, I have been anti-medicating kids since Day 1 and fought for YEARS to put him on a controlled substance for his ADHD and sensory issues. We went everywhere, tried everything, and tested tested tested. The only saving grace has been this medicine. At first, it was like a miracle. He was still my boy, personality, appetite and energy intact, it was just less insane. I am not calling him crazy, but sometimes his mind would go so fast and his body would totally spaz, it was hard to watch him get lost in his own body. This medicine seemed to help him keep up with himself. But now, whether he has grown a tolerance for it or because he is growing like a weed, it has started to lose its effectiveness. He’s become the scapegoat in school again – the one all the other kids blame when things go bad. 95% of the time, he is actually the culprit, but the other 5% of the time, he gets blamed because it’s easy to believe he was the instigator.
The thing I love about my boy is he’s a lover. He wants to entertain, to be loved, to make people laugh. Gosh, not sure where he’d get that from eh? He’s just a bit more boisterous than I ever was. With his meds off again, we seem to be back to square one and seem to have lost all the momentum we have gained. The inner struggle Mark and I go through is endless. Is he truly not in control of himself or is this a 6YO testing his boundaries? Do we punish? Do we seek other treatment? Do we blame the disorder or make him take responsiblity for his own actions? We try to maintain a balance of being responsible for his own actions and treating his behavioral problems.
Like I said, my patience level is not at its peak at the moment. At this point, at 7:30 on a Sunday night, I am all for pumping him full of Valium just so I can think clearly for two seconds without having to answer why the lights blur when he squints his eyes, how to find home on Google maps, all while dodging Nerf darts that him, his dad and sister are currently battling each other with. But that’s wrong, I know this.
Next, my daughter is in a stage that has geniusly been termed the Fucking Fours. Ahh, the age of 4. Still adorable, getting smarter by the second, but yet still incapable of finding her hat and coat, which is always in the same place – on the floor where she left it. The most dramatic person I’ve ever met. Today, I put my arms on her shoulders and gently (seriously) moved her aside as I walked by her in the hallway. She proceeded to execute the most dramatic fake fall I have ever seen. Academy Awards (ahem Oscars, sorry rebranded, forgot) have been won for less acting. As she looks dramatically over her fallen shoulder up from the ground at me, she exclaims MOM! Why did you push me? SOB! Good Lord child.
I should write a book just on the insane stuff that comes out of her mouth. I am truly terrified and can honestly not look her preschool teachers in the eye for fear of what she has told them about her homelife. Today, she told my husband to quit being a pain in the ass, which to be fair, he is, but I wish she wouldn’t pick up everything I yell at him in the car. I thought you were watching that movie?? I didn’t spend 30K on a car so you could LISTEN to our front seat conversations! Next car, a limo with a dividing window, or maybe a police squad car, which would at least prevent the projectiles from coming my way, but wouldn’t quite mute the sound, unless we got that plastic divider thing you see in some COPS episodes. OK, I am giving this waaay too much thought. Then, she also tells us we have to kiss her like we’re married, which is her tilting her head to one side and shaking her head back and forth, so as to get continuous movement while kissing. Nice huh? What kind of princess porn am I letting her watch? Where is she getting this stuff?
Also, her most favorite daily accomplishment? The one she yells to me with unabashed pride at the end of school, in restaurants or at Grandma’s house? MOM! I didn’t poop my pants today! G! That is so exciting! I am glad I have set the bar so high for my youngest!!! I don’t need her to start reading, know her colors, I just need her not to poop in her pants. Mensa here we come.
And finally, my traveling husband. We are a month into this new job and five days before my period, therefore, I am ready for him to go back to where he’s working. I let him drive this morning and since I am sorely out of practice with being a passenger, I could not help the backseat driving that comes ripping from my mouth. But to be fair to ME, he does pull too far forward in a driveway and does appear to be hanging out in the street, he DID almost hit that guy in the Costco parking lot because he was so concerned with saving my bottle of wine rolling around in the backseat, and he really didn’t see that car coming from his right (which, I was closer to, therefore, was simply helping him out). This resulted in an angry chinese fire drill in a very busy Costco parking lot, when he REFUSED to drive with me any longer and told me I am driving. Really Mark? Aren’t we overreacting just a tad? Now I know where G gets her dramatic side from. Yeesh.
Then he takes us to dinner at Olive Garden. OK OK, I admit I have super simple taste, but I LOVE me some Olive Garden. He then FORCES me to get dessert. Bastard. Problem is, he wants to share. JENNY DOESN’T SHARE FOOD!!! We get the chocolate cake, which has four layers of awesomeness, and where does he start? The back! The best freakin part! He’s totally cheating! He is stealing the essence of the dessert while I am dutifully starting at the tip and working my way up to the delicious finale. GOD!
Needless to say, I need a break. But, it’s Sunday, I have papers to sign, lunches to pack, a husband who needs to catch a 6 AM flight, and a week to prepare for Easter, so no rest for the weary. Although, I guess I could watch just one episode of Parks And Recreation before I start right?