Dear son, don’t let Robin Thicke be a lesson to you

Dear son, don't let Robin Thicke be a lesson to you.

Advertisements

Blerg…I mean Blog.

I am unmotivated lately.  Must be PMSing or pouting that my husband is gone for 2 weeks and G gets sick the second he leaves town.

How about I give a shout out to all the people who fill up my Facebook page and make me mostly unproductive during work hours.  These bloggers help me daily and I love them dearly.

Angie Lynch @ http://awholelotofnothing.net/ who writes about awesome smut and gives me a cheat sheet on what to read next on … http://smutbookclub.com/.  I hope to one day visit this Floridian and kiss her feet for making books awesome again.

http://jasongood.net/ – My hero of funny. I hope to one day be 1/4 this funny. I will die happy.  This is the best.  46 Reasons My 3 Year Old Might be Freaking Out. 

Moms Who Drink and Swear – Nicole Knepper makes me feel NORMAL and comfortable with the fact that I think my kid using sarcasm correctly at age 6 is a personal achievement in parenting.

Jen @ http://www.peopleiwanttopunchinthethroat.com/, because really, her blog name says it all.  She cracks me up.  She wrote a book with other awesome bloggers and maybe one day I can hornswaggle my way into one of her next bestselling anthologies.  Cause right now, my publishing attempts are 0-2.    This girl brings the funny.

And lastly but not leastly… my local girls

Jayme @ http://www.randomblogette.com/, who is awesome and one of only 3 ladies who will remember our senior trip to Cancun together, and who will most likely agree that our parents were the dumbest ever and our kids will NEVER get that opportunity of drunken debauchery in HIGH SCHOOL.  Good Lord, some of the stories from that week we will take to our graves.  Let’s just say only ONE of us did NOT get a tattoo in a walk up Mexican tattoo parlor, where they did not turn the autoclave on, only pretended to take things out of there.  This was only because said person was STARVING and just wanted to eat food that would ultimately give her diarrhea.  Food always trumps peer pressure, in SOME people’s eyes.  🙂

And Brittany @ http://brittanyherself.com/, who in the 4 years I’ve been following her (religiously and maybe a bit single white femalishly) has gone from laugh out loud pee your pants funny anecdotes to totally hot, inspirational blogger with ever-increasing fame and success – and she still has time to write ridiculously entertaining, hilarious stuff.  See The Brazilian.

OK – that should give you something to do while I take a brief hiatus from writing.  Check these girls (and guy) out.   They are hilarious and will probably make you unproductive at work too.  Try explaining why you are laughing at the Brazilian video to your cubicle mate.  Not easy.

 

We Have a Reader

0978081099313_300X300Hey all! I have been tired and off my game lately, sorry I haven’t been posting often. My goal is twice a week, but I have been lucky lately to get one done. Plus, I am a little bummed in that with all my talk about Toledo Area Parent, it’s been almost a month and not one word in response to what I sent them. So, sorry if I got anyone’s hopes up. It’s my first rejection as a writer, but I am hopeful I will get more chances elsewhere.  I am just proud I put myself out there.  The rejection will help me when I finally finish that Great American Novel I am intending to write.  😉

Anyways, I think I can officially state that my 6 year old is a full fledged reader. The best part is, I think he’s going to be just like his mother and read voraciously. He got his first Kindle book (because Dad left his home. I do not share! Hey, I need something to do while How’s It’s Made is on, please don’t make me actually learn about how erasers are made again ). I bought him Diary of a Wimpy Kid and he’s almost done. I asked if he had told his teacher about it, and he told me, no he hadn’t because he was afraid she’d be upset because there were swear words in it. What??? I thought this was safe reading??? Well, apparently the word “stupid” is used a lot. OK – I can deal with stupid, as long as he realizes only the not nice characters use mean words like that.  It helps build character I say.  As long as he isn’t learning the fine essence of the F-bomb, I can deal.

So anyways, when this came up, I asked him what it was really about. He was telling me the gist of it, and I asked if there is a love story in it, because he knows that if there isn’t a love story, Mom ain’t reading it. He grimaced and said, No Mom! I said there’s got to be a love story, what’s the point? He rolled his eyes and said, “Why do you only read books where they suck each others….” at which point I slapped my hand over his mouth, terrified of what he knew about what the people in my books sucked. I really try to keep these things under lock and key, but he reads EVERYTHING (including nutrition labels), so maybe he found an extremely juicy part when he was using my Kindle for Where’s My Water?

He took my hand off his mouth, and finished (with me cringing in anticipation)…”blood.” Sucking blood. OHH, much better. See – he knows I am obsessed with Twilight, Vampire Diaries, Chicagoland Vampires books, and basically anything vampires. He thinks all I read about is bloodthirsty boyfriends, which is not entirely wrong. It’s just that I have some other books where the people suck, umm, other things.

And with that, I will now be locking my Kindle up, or at least making sure my smut novels are closed before I hand it over. No need to explain to my kids the birds and the bees this early.  That, and why birds and bees can be so very very dirty.

Next up…Food Issues.  Not having so much luck with this whole losing weight adventure.  Am I the only person who LIVES (read:  exists) to eat?

Sick

As-Seen-On-TV-Logo-72-1024x802

So, I ate something weird on Christmas Eve and got some sort of bug.  I blame the ranch dressing that my sister offered for the salad that expired in AUGUST.  My one attempt at semi-healthy eating was ultimately my undoing.  Just because my sister’s household does not consume ranch by the gallon weekly as does ours.  Yet.  Give her kids a few years.  Then, it will be a food group.  You know, one of the basic five kid food groups:  ranch/ketchup, chicken nuggets, mac n cheese, waffles/pancakes, and of course, dessert.

So one bite of bad ranch dressing and I got hit fairly hard later that evening with the vomit bug.    And no, sister, it couldn’t possibly be the insane amount of rich food that I had been consuming prior to that evening.   The one pound of caramel corn, chocolate covered everything snack mix I consumed at work like it was my job.  The crazy good meat and cheese tray.  The meatballs.  The kielbasa.  The truffles.  The cake.  The cookies.  The spinach dip.  And that was just lunch.

Anyways, Christmas morning I managed to slug my way to the couch to watch half-heartedly while my kids enjoyed their loot from “Santa.”  (Fat bastard.  Why does this guy get all the credit?   Mark was up until 2 a.m. wrapping, while I puked my guts out in the bathroom.  No fat man in sight.  Where were his elves when we plucked down hard earned cash amongst the other half-crazed, tired parents trying to stay on a Jelly-Of-The-Month club Christmas budget while delivering yet another Christmas of their dreams? Then having to play along about how awesome Santa is and answer all “How did he know I wanted this?” questions.    I know, I am a killjoy, and I should just enjoy it because the magic doesn’t last long, but I really hate that guy.  And really, my mom and dad should have hated him too, because he OUTDID himself in our day, and I figured my parents were lazy and cheap for only buying clothes.  Yeesh.  Mom and Dad, I am so sorry!  You guys totally rocked, and now in hindsight, Mom’s annual lock herself in the laundry room cryfest totally makes sense.   I totally get it Mom, and I’m sorry, YOU were awesome.  Not some non-union sweatshop guy in a red suit.   Crap.  Didn’t I start this with a parenthesis?  Sorry for tangent.  And I am ending……now).

Anyways, I digress.  I got to spend Christmas Day afternoon and evening all by myself, which normally for me would be awesome, but come on, even the most intense introverts crave a little family and friends on Christmas.  Therefore, I was bummed and feeling like crap.  So, I set up nauseous camp on the couch proceeded to watch Nativity documentaries on the History Channel, switched up with TBS’s A Christmas Story Marathon.  However, the best part was the in between, which brings me to my point.  Infomercials.

Being that I am mostly a Netflix and Hulu girl, I don’t see a lot of these anymore.  And They. Were. Awesome.  SO – here is my new revised Christmas list for 2013.  Forget the cleaning person and personal chef.  I NEED a Wax Vac!!

The Wax Vac

$T2eC16FHJGkE9no8fzC,BQlTE(lpJQ~~60_35

Scene:  Enter idiot man ramming a Q-tip deep into his skull and then screaming in pain when he hits brain. And then looking at the Q-tip like it’s the enemy, not the idiot with opposable thumbs.  Enter the Wax Vac, a gentle vacuum that sucks the sticky wax magically out of your ear.  Awesome.

First off, maybe I have abnormal earwax, but how hard does this thing have to suck to get this pretty sticky substance off my ear?  I don’t want to vacuum my ear drum out, which defeats the purpose, and really doesn’t sound safer than sticking a stick in there.  Then, they say it’s easy clean.  Ever try to this stuff off your finger, let alone a machine?  Gross.

But, still I kinda want one.  It would be cool in the summer for water in the ears.  Wax Vac, I am open for endorsement talks if this intrigues you.

The Cloud Pillow

sobakawa-cloud-pillow

Developed by ancient Asians centuries ago, this has some sort of weird bubble like material that keeps your head and neck perfectly aligned and never goes flat.  Magic again.  This pillow improves sleep, sex lives, and sings lullabies in your ear until you fall into a deep and peaceful sleep.  This pillow will also reach out and smack any needy child or pet that wanders to your side of the bed in search of disturbing you from your peaceful slumber.   It creates an invisible barrier between you and your spouse from any “accidental” farting or bed/cover hogging.  It will gently hug your ears to stifle any snoring coming from the other side of the bed, which couldn’t possibly be you, because you my dear, are a lady.  Finally, the grand finale, this pillow will have SEX with your husband while you sleep peacefully.

Seriously again, I want this.  What if it works?  What if this is the reason I am a bitch?  Years of bad pillows.

The Orgreenic

Orgreenic

Ever cook eggs for over an hour and then wonder why it sticks impossibly to the pan?  Me too!  The ceramic pan is green and therefore totally organic and safe, because you know if you paint asbestos green, it’s totally safe too.

One question though…does it still not stick if you don’t actually use it?  Do you have to cook yourself or does it cook for you?  Because really, if it doesn’t come with my previously requested personal chef (one who doesn’t require sexual favors for cooking like my current one does), I am probably not going to be using this thing.

The Cushion for your Tushion.

00381024-394954_catl_290

Need more motivation to stay sedentary?  Try the Forever Comfy Cushion!  I want this totally.  I want to be the crazy lady at work who has a cushion under my butt because getting up every hour to un-numb my butt is just too much of a chore.  Like I need any more reason NOT to get off my ass.   But, seriously, I would totally buy this.  My butt may have more cushion lately, but it still goes numb while typing endless letters and emails for my two-finger keyboard pecking agents for 9 hours a day.  And it tingles with disuse during the tens of minutes I sit here every few days writing this eloquent, thought-provoking, and inspiring blog.  Plus the excruciating 20 minute commute I make twice daily from work to home is a real cheek killer.

So there you have my new and updated list.  It can mostly be yours for $19.99, but if you call now, you can get a second one COMPLETELY FREE, plus $35.99 shipping and handling.

PS – Don’t let me forget to tell you the funny tampon story sometime soon.  HA!  Cliffhanger!  Leading you on by a string….ewww…. It’s not gross, it’s hilarious I promise.  And could only happen to me.

Obsessions

I have weird obsessions, or addictions, if you will.  I get obsessed and then can’t think of anything but for months on end.

Way back when Titanic came out, I cried for a week over what turns out is a really dumb movie.  I saw it three times in the theaters, which at 3 hours, meant some serious dehydration tactics to make it the whole time without peeing.  That was when I was 18, now, it’s just impossible – I didn’t even make it halfway through Magic Mike, which was only an hour and a half total.   And trust me, I was tempted to just pee in my seat rather than miss a good part (oh Channing, you can dance boy).  Anyways, back to sad ships.  For the next year or so, I bought every Titanic book I could get my hands on, played Titanic video games, memorized the passenger manifest, drug Mark and various roommates to Titanic exhibits and listened to that stupid Celine Dion song a billion times crying alone in my room.  I even convinced myself my strong feelings for this movie were because I had actually died on the Titanic, which is why I felt such a strong spiritual connection to it.  Clearly, I am the most rational person you’ll ever meet.

Seriously? Why didn’t anyone tell me this was so awful?

And… Magic Mike, just because.

As for recent addictions, Twilight was my first post-kids addiction.  I couldn’t put my finger on why it was so freakin good to me.  I read Breaking Dawn 4 times.  I’ve never read a book more than once ever.  But, like I said before, it was pure escapism.  How awesome would that life be?  Richer than God.  Beautiful.  Sparkly. No need to poop.   A kid that tells you what they want by touching your face thus eliminating the guesswork and who also happens to come out of the womb pretty much a fully functioning human being.  A husband who exists solely for you.  I could go on, but recently Grace hit her head last week on the curb, which meant crazy amounts of blood EVERYWHERE, and it finally put the nail in the coffin.  Blood is disgusting and smells really super gross.  I guess, I’ll keep my cake and poop it too.  Oh well.

I am sensing a theme with cheesy movies…

Next obsession.  50 Shades of Grey.  Mark is having the best year of his freakin life.  Too bad this book didn’t come out when I was in great shape, 10 years younger, 30 pounds lighter, and no kids in the house to quiet it down for.  Oh well, he’ll take what he can get, and thank God the kids are really heavy sleepers.  This has led to other smutty books, hence a happier Mark, who actually just recently told me I needed to “slow down,” which means the poor man is tired.  Ladies, I have tons of recommendations.  I go through a book every few days, all while working, raising kids, cooking and keeping a house clean.  OK, OK, I was joking about the last two, but the first two, I do everyday.  I have some that make you laugh out loud (Alice Clayton, seriously read the Redhead series. Best. Books. Ever.)  to books that make Christian Grey look like a pansy (Tiffany Reisz Original Sinners’ series.  There are no words).

You can do WHAT? in the bedroom?

So that’s where I am stuck right now.  Mark is happy and thankfully, fixed, and I am waiting for the next thing to totally obsess about.  I am hopeful that one day, it will be a eating healthy and exercising addiction.   One where I’m all like, “Oh my God you guys, I just can’t stop eating these brussel sprouts!”  Or, “I just did the Insanity workout and can’t wait to do it again tomorrow!”  Or maybe just once say, and really mean it, “Ew.  All you have are donuts and pastries?  Do you have any apples I could eat?”  Maybe one day.  Not likely, but maybe.

Twilight…Goodbye Old Friend

MMM. Sparkly vampires.

 

Of course I saw Breaking Dawn 2 this weekend.  Thought I’d give you my two cents, because really, you can’t judge the critics’ reviews, because they have no idea what they are talking about.  Only fans of the book in my opinion have judging rights. 

 

Yes, I am the typical demographic for an older Twihard.  Mid-30s, married, mother of two, voracious reader.  What pulls us in?  For me, it’s pretty simple.  Total and utter escapism.  A man who craves you, who is so intensely in love with you he watches you sleep.  He would rather die than live without you.  He’s beautiful and sparkly and never ages.  And Stephenie Meyer creates such a new and interesting vampire folklore, you become entrenched in these new vampires and the all the new rules she presents.  Admit it fans, you really wanted to be a vampire when you finished Breaking Dawn amirite? 

 

Yes, in real life Edward would be super annoying.  Watching me sleep?  Not letting me hang out with my friends?  Having to suppress a constant desire to eat me?  Yes, in real life his intensity and blood lust would be worrisome.  But I say relax feminists.  It’s escapism.  It’s for us women who have grown up, become responsible, had children who are constantly needing something, a husband who, shock and surprise, is human with feelings and needs of his own.  We pay bills, are constantly making hard decisions and always doubting those that we make.  So, Twilight for me was not Bella submitting to Edward.  It was a fantasy world where she is worshiped and has a devoted partner.    One who has tons of money because your sister in law can see the future and plays the stock market.  Whose only worry (at the end anyways) is finding a deer or mountain lion to eat for dinner.  Sounds like fun right?  Let me have my fun people. 

 

Ok, back to the movie.  Yes, I know girl at work who hates me and makes passive aggressive side comments about how stupid the movies are, the movies are kind of cheesy.  They had a tough time developing a respectable werewolf.  The werewolf telepathy in BD1 was cringe-worthy.  I know they are cheesy.  And this movie did have a few laugh out loud at inappropriate moments.  Aro’s Pee-Wee  Herman-esque glee at meeting Renesmee was hilarious.  Bella running in front of a very obvious green screen as a new vampire.  Renesmee’s aging was a bit creepy, but they did what they could.    But honestly, Bill Condon and screenwriter Melissa Rosenberg took an awesome second half of the book and translated it perfectly for us fans.  I kept wondering how they’d take the most anti-climatic fight scene in book history and make it interesting on screen, but they did it.  Slow clap, Breaking Dawn, slow clap.  It.  Was.  Awesome.   And yes, this introvert yelled “WHAT THE WHAT?” in the theater when “the twist” happened.  I was freaking out, as I am always totally sucked in at movies and never have them figured out before it’s totally spelled out for me. 

If you haven’t read and loved the books, you probably won’t like or even understand this movie.  For me, this was a final love letter to the books’ fans.  It wasn’t meant for anyone but us.   Would I drag my husband to it?  No, but I will make him do a Twilight DVD marathon sometime in the not too distant future.  You know, to make up for the August through February football season, where every TV in the house is on from Thursday through Monday, with that annoying crowd cheering, ridiculous ever-changing rules and hilarious commentators filling time with asinine comments, such as this gem…”If Villa got another goal now it would change the scoreline completely.”  (Yeah, I totally googled that.)   I’m not going to waste my $10.50 to hear him make side comments the whole time.  Last time I took him to a girl movie was Titanic (the first time, not the 3D time).  At the end (SPOILER ALERT, but then, if you haven’t seen Titanic by now, forget it), when the whole theater is sobbing hysterically and I am beside myself with grief because of that stupid Celine Dion song, my husband, who after seeing old Rose throw the Heart of the Ocean into the sea, yells out, “What the heck? Now, that’s something to cry about!”  So, yeah, not wasting my money taking him to the theater.  I’ll take the side comments at a much cheaper and more intimate place thank you very much.  But, don’t worry my dear, 50 Shades is coming, and that movie you will be drug to.  But don’t worry honey, it will be worth your while 😉