I need to do a quick thankful post before I put on my fat pants and head out to ransack my families’ (count 2) kitchens. Grandma’s stuffing has been made in bulk, and hopefully I did her justice. It’s a gamble every year, and since Grandma was from the Greatest Generation, there is no set measurements or ingredients, so each year I have to wing it, which if you’ve ever seen me cook (which is kind of like sighting Chupacabra), I need very FIRM instructions. Most of you have requested sarcasm, which is coming, but I thought I’d start off with some schmoop, so I don’t seem totally heartless and unthankful. Bear with me.
1. I am thankful for my husband. He’s like a fine wine, each year he becomes more and more tasty (and a little bit more red). We have been together so long and we get each other so well, he can tell me when my period is going to start before I can (this is mostly for self-preservation purposes).
2. I am thankful for my children. They have become my co-conspirators, my partners in crime if you will, of life. They are each developing their own brand of sarcastic dry humor and on a daily basis crack me up. Plus, they are the best unconditional lovers I’ve ever experienced. I am truly cherishing the fact they are still happy to see me at the end of the day and very little of what I say has yet to be met with an eye roll.
OK – Now for the sarcasm. Put on the sarcasm font, because that’s all this is.
1. I am thankful for this guy. God I love living in a mostly red state. Please note, I HATED Dubya with every fiber of my being for 8 looooong years, but why on God’s green earth would I put his mug on the back of my car? Yeah, cause that sounds smart, put the person you dislike the most on the back of your car to devalue it completely. I wonder if he has his truck nuts in the glovebox, you know, to tone down the douchiness.
(Side note: Oh MY FREAKING GOD, Word Press just totally deleted everything I just typed below this line! Ga! You cannot recreate this genius prose people. Oh well, I will try. So much for quick.)
2. I am thankful that no one saw me sneak through the Chik Fil A drive thru last week. In my defense, I needed to grab a quick bite on the way back to work after an appointment, and it was the only drive thru on the way. I glared and judged everyone in the parking lot around me like they were Sarah Palin herself giving me a thumbs up. It doesn’t help matters that I could not in reality “sneak” through this drive thru because I have equality stickers on the back of my van, which are a dead giveaway this restaurant and I don’t share the same ideals. Damn those people and their delicious chicken. I still have waffle fry evidence on the floor of my car. I still love you my gays, and don’t worry, I didn’t share any of our “agenda” with anyone. World domination is still ours!!!
3. I am thankful for yoga pants today. So much give, so much extra room. And no, my yoga pants are not Lululemon because 1) they are too expensive, and 2) they aren’t designed for us fatties.
4. I am thankful I have given up organized religion. Sleeping in on a Sunday never felt so sinful. I love me some Jesus, but just not quite at 9 a.m. on the weekends. Unless He loves me in a big fluffy robe playing Candy Crush. (OK, let’s see if this happens again. I typed this last time, saved it, and it all disappeared….Jesus?? I’m sorry man, I’m just kiddin around. If you don’t have a sense of humor I’m doomed.)
5. I am thankful for the Winx Club that my daughter has recently discovered on Netflix. Should I hate this show? I mean, I do because she is obsessed and I hear the theme song in my every waking thought, but is it bad for raising my strong, independent girl? Should I, as an adult, know what the hell is going on? All I know is they have anatomically impossible waistlines and, much like Little Mermaid did for me, are giving my daughter an unrealistic idea of what real hair can actually do.
Ok – have to go do family time. Hope you and yours have a wonderful day! Thanks for reading me. I hope I brighten your days in some way.
Laughing really hard at this. Thanks!