Sick

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So, I ate something weird on Christmas Eve and got some sort of bug.  I blame the ranch dressing that my sister offered for the salad that expired in AUGUST.  My one attempt at semi-healthy eating was ultimately my undoing.  Just because my sister’s household does not consume ranch by the gallon weekly as does ours.  Yet.  Give her kids a few years.  Then, it will be a food group.  You know, one of the basic five kid food groups:  ranch/ketchup, chicken nuggets, mac n cheese, waffles/pancakes, and of course, dessert.

So one bite of bad ranch dressing and I got hit fairly hard later that evening with the vomit bug.    And no, sister, it couldn’t possibly be the insane amount of rich food that I had been consuming prior to that evening.   The one pound of caramel corn, chocolate covered everything snack mix I consumed at work like it was my job.  The crazy good meat and cheese tray.  The meatballs.  The kielbasa.  The truffles.  The cake.  The cookies.  The spinach dip.  And that was just lunch.

Anyways, Christmas morning I managed to slug my way to the couch to watch half-heartedly while my kids enjoyed their loot from “Santa.”  (Fat bastard.  Why does this guy get all the credit?   Mark was up until 2 a.m. wrapping, while I puked my guts out in the bathroom.  No fat man in sight.  Where were his elves when we plucked down hard earned cash amongst the other half-crazed, tired parents trying to stay on a Jelly-Of-The-Month club Christmas budget while delivering yet another Christmas of their dreams? Then having to play along about how awesome Santa is and answer all “How did he know I wanted this?” questions.    I know, I am a killjoy, and I should just enjoy it because the magic doesn’t last long, but I really hate that guy.  And really, my mom and dad should have hated him too, because he OUTDID himself in our day, and I figured my parents were lazy and cheap for only buying clothes.  Yeesh.  Mom and Dad, I am so sorry!  You guys totally rocked, and now in hindsight, Mom’s annual lock herself in the laundry room cryfest totally makes sense.   I totally get it Mom, and I’m sorry, YOU were awesome.  Not some non-union sweatshop guy in a red suit.   Crap.  Didn’t I start this with a parenthesis?  Sorry for tangent.  And I am ending……now).

Anyways, I digress.  I got to spend Christmas Day afternoon and evening all by myself, which normally for me would be awesome, but come on, even the most intense introverts crave a little family and friends on Christmas.  Therefore, I was bummed and feeling like crap.  So, I set up nauseous camp on the couch proceeded to watch Nativity documentaries on the History Channel, switched up with TBS’s A Christmas Story Marathon.  However, the best part was the in between, which brings me to my point.  Infomercials.

Being that I am mostly a Netflix and Hulu girl, I don’t see a lot of these anymore.  And They. Were. Awesome.  SO – here is my new revised Christmas list for 2013.  Forget the cleaning person and personal chef.  I NEED a Wax Vac!!

The Wax Vac

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Scene:  Enter idiot man ramming a Q-tip deep into his skull and then screaming in pain when he hits brain. And then looking at the Q-tip like it’s the enemy, not the idiot with opposable thumbs.  Enter the Wax Vac, a gentle vacuum that sucks the sticky wax magically out of your ear.  Awesome.

First off, maybe I have abnormal earwax, but how hard does this thing have to suck to get this pretty sticky substance off my ear?  I don’t want to vacuum my ear drum out, which defeats the purpose, and really doesn’t sound safer than sticking a stick in there.  Then, they say it’s easy clean.  Ever try to this stuff off your finger, let alone a machine?  Gross.

But, still I kinda want one.  It would be cool in the summer for water in the ears.  Wax Vac, I am open for endorsement talks if this intrigues you.

The Cloud Pillow

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Developed by ancient Asians centuries ago, this has some sort of weird bubble like material that keeps your head and neck perfectly aligned and never goes flat.  Magic again.  This pillow improves sleep, sex lives, and sings lullabies in your ear until you fall into a deep and peaceful sleep.  This pillow will also reach out and smack any needy child or pet that wanders to your side of the bed in search of disturbing you from your peaceful slumber.   It creates an invisible barrier between you and your spouse from any “accidental” farting or bed/cover hogging.  It will gently hug your ears to stifle any snoring coming from the other side of the bed, which couldn’t possibly be you, because you my dear, are a lady.  Finally, the grand finale, this pillow will have SEX with your husband while you sleep peacefully.

Seriously again, I want this.  What if it works?  What if this is the reason I am a bitch?  Years of bad pillows.

The Orgreenic

Orgreenic

Ever cook eggs for over an hour and then wonder why it sticks impossibly to the pan?  Me too!  The ceramic pan is green and therefore totally organic and safe, because you know if you paint asbestos green, it’s totally safe too.

One question though…does it still not stick if you don’t actually use it?  Do you have to cook yourself or does it cook for you?  Because really, if it doesn’t come with my previously requested personal chef (one who doesn’t require sexual favors for cooking like my current one does), I am probably not going to be using this thing.

The Cushion for your Tushion.

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Need more motivation to stay sedentary?  Try the Forever Comfy Cushion!  I want this totally.  I want to be the crazy lady at work who has a cushion under my butt because getting up every hour to un-numb my butt is just too much of a chore.  Like I need any more reason NOT to get off my ass.   But, seriously, I would totally buy this.  My butt may have more cushion lately, but it still goes numb while typing endless letters and emails for my two-finger keyboard pecking agents for 9 hours a day.  And it tingles with disuse during the tens of minutes I sit here every few days writing this eloquent, thought-provoking, and inspiring blog.  Plus the excruciating 20 minute commute I make twice daily from work to home is a real cheek killer.

So there you have my new and updated list.  It can mostly be yours for $19.99, but if you call now, you can get a second one COMPLETELY FREE, plus $35.99 shipping and handling.

PS – Don’t let me forget to tell you the funny tampon story sometime soon.  HA!  Cliffhanger!  Leading you on by a string….ewww…. It’s not gross, it’s hilarious I promise.  And could only happen to me.

All I want for Christmas is……yoooouuuu.

Every year, I am asked what I want for Christmas.  I hate this question.  Here’s why.

I don’t have specific things I want.  Nothing that neatly fits into a $25 to $50 category that everyone is aiming for.  And, please, I beg you, don’t try to buy me clothes.  It usually ends up like this…

This my friends is AUTHENTIC Abercrombie & Fitch.  I swear...

This my friends is AUTHENTIC Abercrombie & Fitch. I swear…

And sure, I’d like a new kitchen, carpet, furniture and redone bathroom, but I don’t think that’s quite what you’re asking.  So, I thought this year, I’d tell you what I really want…

My REAL Christmas List

  • A housekeeper.  I am not super picky with this one, but it is my No. 1 want.  Someone to clean my house every week.  Someone I can trust because I don’t want to be there when they are, because then I would feel guilty that I was just laying around not helping.  I’m not asking for Alice from the Brady Bunch, just someone to polish the turd that is my house.  (Don’t tell Mark, he hates when I say that, but really, see the above home improvement wish list.)
  • A cook.  Maybe this is No. 1, because if there’s one thing I hate more than cleaning, it’s cooking.  I want to open up the fridge and viola! delicious, healthy meals and snacks.  A Mrs. Jones to my Christian Grey if you will.  No more nachos and Fruit Loops for me.  REAL FOOD.
  • I would like my hair to do this…
Why does the style go away with the cape??

Why does the style go away with the cape??

when I do it.  Or I would like to pay my beloved hair stylist to come do my hair every morning.  Yes, it’s short, but that doesn’t mean it looks the way she does it after an appointment.  Seriously, how hard can 2” of hair be to style?  Apparently, very.  Plus, she also has the same intense love of smut that I do, and how fun would those conversations be every morning?!

  • I would like to do this…
Heaven
Heaven

every year.  Sigh… Outer Banks is Mark and me’s perfect vaca.  Big house, pre-approved family and friends (no stranger mingling), absolutely no plans and nothing to do but swim in the pool, go out to eat, and lay on the beach.

  • I would like someone to help me organize this…
Don't call hoarders, please...

Don’t call hoarders, please…

Honestly, we look like hoarders, but really it’s just artwork we have to wait to hide in the trash until after the kids go to sleep, because the look on their faces when they accidentally find it in the trash is too much to bear.  It’s also bills we don’t want to pay, magazines we don’t have time to read, and receipts, tons and tons of receipts.  Because if we throw them away, we will totally need proof that we ate that double cheeseburger from McD’s.  Really?  Isn’t the proof on my ass already?

  • Speaking of ass proof, I would love a personal trainer.  Jillian Michaels coming to my house every day to kick my butt out of bed, saying mean things to me and making me lose the food baby I so lovingly cradle in ALL pictures for some reason.
  • And while we are dreaming, maybe just one day, one itty bitty day, to do whatever the hell I want.  No one needing anything, no chores, no laundry, just me, my Kindle and/or Netflix and Hulu.  Heaven.  I wish all that spare time in my childless 20’s wasn’t so wasted on …. God, what did I do back then with all that freakin time?  I know I thought I was busy, but for the life of me, I can’t tell you what the heck I was doing…

So that’s my real Christmas list.  But that melon baller would be just as awesome too.  How else do you make cookies?