Here’s what I hate. I finally get a moment and the motivation to sit down and write, and…..complete blank. Now, in the shower, driving to and from work, at work, in the bathroom, and so on, I am ripe with ideas. Now? With time? Complete and total blank. So annoying.
So, I guess I’ll talk about what I’ve been thinking about fairly constantly for the past three weeks or so. Ah hell, who am I kidding, my whole freakin life. Food.
As of this moment, I am half on and half off the wagon. I kind of picture myself with a rope being dragged behind the wagon hanging on for dear life. All while the people on the wagon securely are all like, “I just lost 5 lbs in a week on Weight Watchers! And I have trouble even eating all my points every day!” To you people I say:
Cause that doesn’t happen for me. I spent $165 at the grocery store a few weeks ago to attempt a SkinnyMs.com diet and lost 3 lbs in the first week. I was ecstatic. They even allowed for one “cheat” a week. So on that Friday I had 2 pieces of pizza….and maybe a cheesy bread stick, and maybe a few pieces of cinnamon bread dessert….but who’s counting. Anyways, BAM! next morning, 2 lbs back on! (To be fair to SkinnyMs – their recipes are actually really, really good. Their green smoothies, while they look like snot, are actually very good. It’s just a really really expensive way of eating, and very time consuming. Plus, I’m the only one eating this stuff. I made their chili one day and ate it for the next four days. I haven’t totally abandoned it, but I am having to add affordable/quick food slightly back in.)
Anyways, this is not the root of my problem, and I’m asking for advice here. The root of my evil is basically food is like heroin to me. I can’t stop. Basically I want to be eating 100% of the day. Like, I need something in my mouth. Paging Dr. Freud! Gum helps, but I have jaw problems and can’t chew it very long. Food is basically my nervous habit. Procrastinating? Let’s eat. Don’t know what to do with myself? How about a snack? Too much going on and don’t know where to start? Let’s see what’s in the fridge! I sit at a computer all day and if I am not reaching for something to put in my mouth, I feel weird and unfulfilled. I count minutes until my next “snack time.”
Also, I feel like I am keeping a tight lease on my eating. Like I am always trying to squash the voice inside my head that screaming at me, “EAT THE FOOD! EAT EVERYTHING YOU SEE!!!” Life if I just go balls to the wall and let myself go, I’d eat an entire cake and wash it down with a Coke Zero. Like Louie CK says, “I don’t eat until I’m full, I eat until I hate myself.”
And I can’t stop. If it’s around, I feel a compulsion to eat it. Like the food’s feelings will be hurt if I don’t try a piece. That’s why I kind of wish it was a heroin addiction. At least then people wouldn’t surprise me with it at 3 p.m. saying, “Oh just one bite of heroin won’t kill ya! Just try it.”
My Achilles’ heel is being delivered this week. Girl Scout cookies. I think I’ve ordered 18 boxes from various girls. I’m supporting my community right? Not when I get my first two boxes delivered and I have eaten an entire sleeve of Thin Mints before I get out of the car on the return trip. That’s all for me.
Then the shame spiral happens. I get nauseous. I hate myself. I make resolutions that will last approximately 6 hours. Then I do it all over again the next day.
I guess what this rambling post means is, I don’t know where to turn. I feel like I need to be hypnotized or acupunctured. Maybe I should wire my jaw shut like that crazy girl in Real World 20 years ago. But, I’d still eat milkshakes and Coke, so that wouldn’t help.
I feel like I need a person to shame me into not eating, but that doesn’t work either. If I get one of those people, and I’ve tried, I end up eating in secret. Hiding from them. It becomes a game to sneak the food.
God I am such a head case. Honestly, it’s embarrassing to post this, but at the moment it’s kind of ruling my every thought. Sure I can joke about being chubby and eating a lot, but when it comes down to it, I really do want to get healthy. Not just skinny. Healthy. I want to have energy. I am tired of my back hurting. I am terrified my cholesterol is going to kill me.
I’d do great with a nutritionist and a personal trainer, but that ain’t happening. Maybe some tips on how to start. Baby steps. Quick, easy, healthy recipes I can slowly incorporate into my life?