Some of us are blessed. Their kids are adventurous. They will eat all types of foods. All types of textures. For some lucky parents, this food can even touch other food.
We are not blessed in this way. This is our burden. Our 8 year old son is a total pain in the ass when it comes to food. Unless of course, it’s ice cream, then he’s good, but anything else, there are a set of rules that change almost daily.
Therefore, we give you: THE REASONS OUR SON IS NOT EATING:
1. The pizza has sat out for longer than 5 minutes.
2. The macaroni and cheese is NOT Kraft. Homemade? Big macaroni noodles? No go. Kraft M&C must also not sit on the stove longer than 5 minutes.
3. The noodles are too wide.
4. The noodles are a different color.
5. The noodles are mixed with something. Anything, even broccoli, which he actually likes.
6. The carrots are mixed with peas.
7. The pizza has bubbles on it.
8. The bread has nuts in it.
9. There’s parsley on it.
10. The grilled cheese has a tiny brown “burn” spot. (Not really, just browner at that place than he’d like)
11. The jello has fruit in it.
12. It has gravy on it. Clearly, not my kid.
13. It has any sauce or seasoning on it.
14. It’s breaded with something other than nugget.
15. It touched the ranch. Which he’s using to dip, but it touched before he’s dipped it.
16. Too much cinnamon on the applesauce.
17. The carrots have crinkles.
18. It’s leftovers. Of anything. Pizza included.
19. It’s hot dogs. Of any sort.
20. It’s tacos. Food touching all over the place. And lettuce, don’t forget lettuce. Ick.
21. It’s not the right meatball.
22. The noodles are too wide.
23. The potatoes are mashed.
These are just off the top of my head. And there are rules on top of that. And if you do find something he likes that is remotely healthy, for the love of God, don’t over serve it. No more than once every other week.
Now, on the list of Go foods are a few foolproof items, none of which are healthy.
Dessert, anything natch.
And that’s about it.
One might read this and think, “Hell, if that were my kid, I’d make him eat what I give him.” You, my dear, DO NOT have this kid, because I can guarantee you no parent of a fellow picky eater follows this rule. We get firm and we choose these food battles fairly often, and sometimes, we do the worst, meanest, most horrible thing a parent can do: we withhold dessert. For the most part, we desperately try to put something on the table they might just eat a few bites of, but our hopes are dangerously low on the best of days. We scour the internet, church and family cookbooks, and foolishly click on all the articles about “picky eaters,” but we are always disappointed, because I don’t know anyone whose picky eater will eat “Baked Polenta Fries,” cause mine sure as hell won’t.
But we keep on the fighting the good fight. We pin the hell out of Pinterest. But, most days, it’s PB&J or nuggets, with the hope that one day, one day soon, they’ll look up and say, “How about Mexican/Italian/Indian food?”
Until then, stay strong picky parents!