Obsessions

I have weird obsessions, or addictions, if you will.  I get obsessed and then can’t think of anything but for months on end.

Way back when Titanic came out, I cried for a week over what turns out is a really dumb movie.  I saw it three times in the theaters, which at 3 hours, meant some serious dehydration tactics to make it the whole time without peeing.  That was when I was 18, now, it’s just impossible – I didn’t even make it halfway through Magic Mike, which was only an hour and a half total.   And trust me, I was tempted to just pee in my seat rather than miss a good part (oh Channing, you can dance boy).  Anyways, back to sad ships.  For the next year or so, I bought every Titanic book I could get my hands on, played Titanic video games, memorized the passenger manifest, drug Mark and various roommates to Titanic exhibits and listened to that stupid Celine Dion song a billion times crying alone in my room.  I even convinced myself my strong feelings for this movie were because I had actually died on the Titanic, which is why I felt such a strong spiritual connection to it.  Clearly, I am the most rational person you’ll ever meet.

Seriously? Why didn’t anyone tell me this was so awful?

And… Magic Mike, just because.

As for recent addictions, Twilight was my first post-kids addiction.  I couldn’t put my finger on why it was so freakin good to me.  I read Breaking Dawn 4 times.  I’ve never read a book more than once ever.  But, like I said before, it was pure escapism.  How awesome would that life be?  Richer than God.  Beautiful.  Sparkly. No need to poop.   A kid that tells you what they want by touching your face thus eliminating the guesswork and who also happens to come out of the womb pretty much a fully functioning human being.  A husband who exists solely for you.  I could go on, but recently Grace hit her head last week on the curb, which meant crazy amounts of blood EVERYWHERE, and it finally put the nail in the coffin.  Blood is disgusting and smells really super gross.  I guess, I’ll keep my cake and poop it too.  Oh well.

I am sensing a theme with cheesy movies…

Next obsession.  50 Shades of Grey.  Mark is having the best year of his freakin life.  Too bad this book didn’t come out when I was in great shape, 10 years younger, 30 pounds lighter, and no kids in the house to quiet it down for.  Oh well, he’ll take what he can get, and thank God the kids are really heavy sleepers.  This has led to other smutty books, hence a happier Mark, who actually just recently told me I needed to “slow down,” which means the poor man is tired.  Ladies, I have tons of recommendations.  I go through a book every few days, all while working, raising kids, cooking and keeping a house clean.  OK, OK, I was joking about the last two, but the first two, I do everyday.  I have some that make you laugh out loud (Alice Clayton, seriously read the Redhead series. Best. Books. Ever.)  to books that make Christian Grey look like a pansy (Tiffany Reisz Original Sinners’ series.  There are no words).

You can do WHAT? in the bedroom?

So that’s where I am stuck right now.  Mark is happy and thankfully, fixed, and I am waiting for the next thing to totally obsess about.  I am hopeful that one day, it will be a eating healthy and exercising addiction.   One where I’m all like, “Oh my God you guys, I just can’t stop eating these brussel sprouts!”  Or, “I just did the Insanity workout and can’t wait to do it again tomorrow!”  Or maybe just once say, and really mean it, “Ew.  All you have are donuts and pastries?  Do you have any apples I could eat?”  Maybe one day.  Not likely, but maybe.

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Twilight…Goodbye Old Friend

MMM. Sparkly vampires.

 

Of course I saw Breaking Dawn 2 this weekend.  Thought I’d give you my two cents, because really, you can’t judge the critics’ reviews, because they have no idea what they are talking about.  Only fans of the book in my opinion have judging rights. 

 

Yes, I am the typical demographic for an older Twihard.  Mid-30s, married, mother of two, voracious reader.  What pulls us in?  For me, it’s pretty simple.  Total and utter escapism.  A man who craves you, who is so intensely in love with you he watches you sleep.  He would rather die than live without you.  He’s beautiful and sparkly and never ages.  And Stephenie Meyer creates such a new and interesting vampire folklore, you become entrenched in these new vampires and the all the new rules she presents.  Admit it fans, you really wanted to be a vampire when you finished Breaking Dawn amirite? 

 

Yes, in real life Edward would be super annoying.  Watching me sleep?  Not letting me hang out with my friends?  Having to suppress a constant desire to eat me?  Yes, in real life his intensity and blood lust would be worrisome.  But I say relax feminists.  It’s escapism.  It’s for us women who have grown up, become responsible, had children who are constantly needing something, a husband who, shock and surprise, is human with feelings and needs of his own.  We pay bills, are constantly making hard decisions and always doubting those that we make.  So, Twilight for me was not Bella submitting to Edward.  It was a fantasy world where she is worshiped and has a devoted partner.    One who has tons of money because your sister in law can see the future and plays the stock market.  Whose only worry (at the end anyways) is finding a deer or mountain lion to eat for dinner.  Sounds like fun right?  Let me have my fun people. 

 

Ok, back to the movie.  Yes, I know girl at work who hates me and makes passive aggressive side comments about how stupid the movies are, the movies are kind of cheesy.  They had a tough time developing a respectable werewolf.  The werewolf telepathy in BD1 was cringe-worthy.  I know they are cheesy.  And this movie did have a few laugh out loud at inappropriate moments.  Aro’s Pee-Wee  Herman-esque glee at meeting Renesmee was hilarious.  Bella running in front of a very obvious green screen as a new vampire.  Renesmee’s aging was a bit creepy, but they did what they could.    But honestly, Bill Condon and screenwriter Melissa Rosenberg took an awesome second half of the book and translated it perfectly for us fans.  I kept wondering how they’d take the most anti-climatic fight scene in book history and make it interesting on screen, but they did it.  Slow clap, Breaking Dawn, slow clap.  It.  Was.  Awesome.   And yes, this introvert yelled “WHAT THE WHAT?” in the theater when “the twist” happened.  I was freaking out, as I am always totally sucked in at movies and never have them figured out before it’s totally spelled out for me. 

If you haven’t read and loved the books, you probably won’t like or even understand this movie.  For me, this was a final love letter to the books’ fans.  It wasn’t meant for anyone but us.   Would I drag my husband to it?  No, but I will make him do a Twilight DVD marathon sometime in the not too distant future.  You know, to make up for the August through February football season, where every TV in the house is on from Thursday through Monday, with that annoying crowd cheering, ridiculous ever-changing rules and hilarious commentators filling time with asinine comments, such as this gem…”If Villa got another goal now it would change the scoreline completely.”  (Yeah, I totally googled that.)   I’m not going to waste my $10.50 to hear him make side comments the whole time.  Last time I took him to a girl movie was Titanic (the first time, not the 3D time).  At the end (SPOILER ALERT, but then, if you haven’t seen Titanic by now, forget it), when the whole theater is sobbing hysterically and I am beside myself with grief because of that stupid Celine Dion song, my husband, who after seeing old Rose throw the Heart of the Ocean into the sea, yells out, “What the heck? Now, that’s something to cry about!”  So, yeah, not wasting my money taking him to the theater.  I’ll take the side comments at a much cheaper and more intimate place thank you very much.  But, don’t worry my dear, 50 Shades is coming, and that movie you will be drug to.  But don’t worry honey, it will be worth your while 😉